Your worst joke!!!

Ikea have renamed their Flat-Pack range 'Suppository Furniture'

.....because you put it up yourself.....

[cue tumbleweed]

I just read [coz they use short words,co after a bit of mumbling,I can usually follow the gist] that 'Darth Vader' robbed a shop!

You'd think he's wear a disguise,as he's so well known......wouldn't you?

A man was in Harley Street, London and saw an advertisment for a

Gynaecologist’s Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read: "The job entails getting the ladies

ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their

underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then

apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in

soothing

oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to

Manchester."

"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

A woman decides she'd like a parrot for a pet, one that talks. She goes to the pet shop and sees a parrot that knows 10 words for £500, a parrot that knows 30 words for £1000, and a parrot that can hold a conversation for 20 quid. Why only 20 quid, she asks the assistant?, "Because it has lived in a brothel and has a real potty mouth, and is too damn clever for its own good". She decides she's broad minded enough to cope and buys the 20 quid parrot.

When she gets it home she uncovers the cage and the parrot straightens up, looks round and says, "Nice gaff, very posh, get better customers here, like it, like it!"

Half an hour later the eldest daughter comes home " New girl, nice tits on that one, like it, like it!"

Another half hour later the younger daughter comes home, "New girl, what an arse on that one, good for business, like it, like it!"

Another 30 minutes go by and the womans husband comes home. The parrot takes one look at him and says, "Hiya Keith, how ya doing mate?"

Bit of a gross one..

Will put in spoiler blocker incase you don't want to see it =D

I was tickling my sons feet the other day, and my wife started to scream something at me.

Chinese bikes........

Man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe.

Giraffe downs a few beers, falls over and passes out.

Barman says "you cant leave that lying there"

Man says "its not a lion, its a giraffe"

Mike Tyson is bringing out a new book.

It's called "Knocking One Out".

I got mugged last week by 4 big bast*rds,

I managed to knock 1 out.

Probably not the best place to have a w**k, but I didnt know If i would ever get another chance.

William Shatner's new underwear range has been declared a flop.

....apparently,women don't like the name 'Shatner Knickers'.

I went to a local funfair last night and won an instant meal prize at the coconut shy.

I cooked it as soon as I got home.

First time I've eaten 'boil-in-the-bag' goldfish!

Ozzy Osbourne died this morning while eating muesli. Police found him face down in the bowl and said he must've been pulled in by a strong current.

I just came third in a sunbed competition...hmm,bronze-not bad...

Someone asked me if i knew any cheat codes to unlock Paul Walker as a playable character on Need for Speed game...

So i told them it.. Left Left Down Up, R2 R2 R1 X...

But to be highly careful, as it sometimes causes the game to crash...

There's a daddy balloon a mummy balloon and a child balloon.

The child balloon gets put to bed and after about an hour or two decides its to scared of the dark and wants to sleep with mummy and daddy.

Mummy balloon says that there isnt enough room in the bed and to go back to his own room

The child balloon waits for his parents to go to sleep then sneaks into their room, he lets a little bit of air out of his dad and tries to get into bed, still not enough room so he lets a little bit out of his mum and tries again, still not enough room he lets a little bit of air out of himself and finds that now he fits perfectly.

His mum and dad wake up in the morning and see that hes in the bed, they look very disappointed with him, His mum turns round and says.......

Not only have you let me and your dad down but more importantly you've let yourself down too.

""TAXI"

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

Jeremy Beadle has a small cock, on the other hand its massive.

Theres been a rebellion at the North Pole! All of Santas Elves are protesting over wages and have thrown Santa into his own deep fat fryer!

But worry ye not - this years presents will be delivered by Crisp Kringle.

What's the fastest fish in the world?

German sausage jokes... they're the Wurst!

I asked the librarian where the Self-Help section was.

She said that if she told me,it would defeat the object...

I sent my mate five blank emails this afternoon.

He's just rung to find out why.

I explained I have loads of them,so I thought he might be able to use a few.

Y'know,birthdays are GOOD for you.

After all,the more you have,the longer you live!

"I'm sorry Mickey." said the Judge. "I can't give you a divorce just because Minnie has large front teeth, after all she is a mouse".

"I didn't say she had big teeth," Mickey replied. " I said she was f***ing Goofy"