puggybear Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Ikea have renamed their Flat-Pack range 'Suppository Furniture'.....because you put it up yourself.....[cue tumbleweed] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 I just read [coz they use short words,co after a bit of mumbling,I can usually follow the gist] that 'Darth Vader' robbed a shop!You'd think he's wear a disguise,as he's so well known......wouldn't you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fozzie Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 A man was in Harley Street, London and saw an advertisment for aGynaecologist’s Assistant.Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.The clerk pulled up the file and read: "The job entails getting the ladiesready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of theirunderwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, thenapply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub insoothingoils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go toManchester.""My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bmwdave Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 A woman decides she'd like a parrot for a pet, one that talks. She goes to the pet shop and sees a parrot that knows 10 words for £500, a parrot that knows 30 words for £1000, and a parrot that can hold a conversation for 20 quid. Why only 20 quid, she asks the assistant?, "Because it has lived in a brothel and has a real potty mouth, and is too damn clever for its own good". She decides she's broad minded enough to cope and buys the 20 quid parrot.When she gets it home she uncovers the cage and the parrot straightens up, looks round and says, "Nice gaff, very posh, get better customers here, like it, like it!"Half an hour later the eldest daughter comes home " New girl, nice tits on that one, like it, like it!"Another half hour later the younger daughter comes home, "New girl, what an arse on that one, good for business, like it, like it!"Another 30 minutes go by and the womans husband comes home. The parrot takes one look at him and says, "Hiya Keith, how ya doing mate?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glorian Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Bit of a gross one..Will put in spoiler blocker incase you don't want to see it =DI was tickling my sons feet the other day, and my wife started to scream something at me.I'm not sure what it was.. Something about waiting for him to be born first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fq-craigus Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Chinese bikes........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joeman Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe.Giraffe downs a few beers, falls over and passes out.Barman says "you cant leave that lying there"Man says "its not a lion, its a giraffe" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Fro Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Mike Tyson is bringing out a new book.It's called "Knocking One Out". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Who else but Quagmire Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 I got mugged last week by 4 big bast*rds,I managed to knock 1 out.Probably not the best place to have a w**k, but I didnt know If i would ever get another chance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 William Shatner's new underwear range has been declared a flop.....apparently,women don't like the name 'Shatner Knickers'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted November 6, 2014 Share Posted November 6, 2014 I went to a local funfair last night and won an instant meal prize at the coconut shy.I cooked it as soon as I got home.First time I've eaten 'boil-in-the-bag' goldfish! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DreamytimeEscorts Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 Ozzy Osbourne died this morning while eating muesli. Police found him face down in the bowl and said he must've been pulled in by a strong current. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 I just came third in a sunbed competition...hmm,bronze-not bad... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Someone asked me if i knew any cheat codes to unlock Paul Walker as a playable character on Need for Speed game...So i told them it.. Left Left Down Up, R2 R2 R1 X...But to be highly careful, as it sometimes causes the game to crash... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitey1984 Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 There's a daddy balloon a mummy balloon and a child balloon.The child balloon gets put to bed and after about an hour or two decides its to scared of the dark and wants to sleep with mummy and daddy.Mummy balloon says that there isnt enough room in the bed and to go back to his own roomThe child balloon waits for his parents to go to sleep then sneaks into their room, he lets a little bit of air out of his dad and tries to get into bed, still not enough room so he lets a little bit out of his mum and tries again, still not enough room he lets a little bit of air out of himself and finds that now he fits perfectly.His mum and dad wake up in the morning and see that hes in the bed, they look very disappointed with him, His mum turns round and says.......Not only have you let me and your dad down but more importantly you've let yourself down too. ""TAXI" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe85 Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitey1984 Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Jeremy Beadle has a small cock, on the other hand its massive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thebendyfox Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 Theres been a rebellion at the North Pole! All of Santas Elves are protesting over wages and have thrown Santa into his own deep fat fryer!But worry ye not - this years presents will be delivered by Crisp Kringle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joeman Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 What's the fastest fish in the world?A motor pike! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bogof Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 German sausage jokes... they're the Wurst! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w40/motobiker/323.jpg~original Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 I asked the librarian where the Self-Help section was.She said that if she told me,it would defeat the object... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 I sent my mate five blank emails this afternoon.He's just rung to find out why.I explained I have loads of them,so I thought he might be able to use a few. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Y'know,birthdays are GOOD for you.After all,the more you have,the longer you live! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Obrien65 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 "I'm sorry Mickey." said the Judge. "I can't give you a divorce just because Minnie has large front teeth, after all she is a mouse"."I didn't say she had big teeth," Mickey replied. " I said she was f***ing Goofy" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.