Your worst joke!!!

I was visiting my daughter last night when I

asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century" she said.

"We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this... that fly never knew what hit him

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

I dressed up as Madeleine Mccann last night to go to a Halloween party..... To make it more realistic I didn't turn up .

this morning while eating breakfast my wife had a massive go at me saying my obsession with twitter is driving her mad and if I don't quit we will be getting divorced

I nearly choked on my #Browns

This one just emerged at work...

"I like my women how I like my advent calendar. Against my wall, flaps open, ready to be eaten"

Annnd...

"Miss! Miss! Miss!" I shouted excitedly from the back of the classroom.

This was turning into the worst school shooting ever.

My cock was in the Guinness world record book once..

It was good until the librarian caught me and kicked me out.

What's the difference between a fanny and an oven?

An oven doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

MP's are demanding we use the word "Daesh" for ISIS as it's an insult to them...

As I can't quite pronounce it right I'll just stick to using the word "c unts"

Statistically speaking, one in every 2 and a half men is HIV positive.

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

I married a farmers daughter, nice girl but a bit dim, a few months after the wedding she got a bit randy and said she was fertile, I said do what you got to do girl, I was a expecting a night of passion ... she pulled down her knickers ran out to the greenhouse and shit all over the tomatoes!

There's a gang in my area. They've been around for longer than anyone can remember. I hear they have paedophile rings set up involving some of its highest ranking members. And just the other day, they had a recruitment drive where they said if I didn't join I would face all kinds of punishments.

But enough about the church.

Me and the Mrs went to a fancy dress party dressed as two bank robbers...

Well I did ..... I left her in the motor with the engine running.

My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we

stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and

there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He

mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!

a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,

in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical

to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

The mrs has been insisting I quit my job. She thinks it's cruel that we've been using rabbits to test our new products.

I suppose she has a point. I work at a hammer factory.

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a naked lady on his back..

"What the hell are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a pile of shite!" the host replies.

"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

There's a special place in Hull for whoever invented autocorrect.

Dot-Dot-Dash-Dot-Dot-Dash-Cough-Cough-Dash-Achoo!

...Morse Cold.

Dot-Dot-Dash-Dot-Dot-Dash-Cough-Cough-Dash-Achoo!

...Morse Cold.

Bless you .

Disabled toilets...

Ironically, the only toilet big enough to run around in

I saw a magic tractor this morning.

It turned into a field!!!!

The BBC have an urgent appeal for a new TV host in the wake of Terry Wogans death.

Their advert went like so:

"One experienced television host required for popular charity telethon.

Must like Children.

(But not too much)"

DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits,

short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!

-----------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain

today -- seems like a very nice man.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.

The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.

Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and

attentive.

-----------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner

with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

-----------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-

bar, stayed there for rest of day.

The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite

charming.

Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined.

He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink

the ship...I was shocked.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice

I asked J.K Rowling about Harry's father.

She thinks it's James Hewitt as well.

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!!!"