puggybear Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 ...and I didn't do myself any favours when she suddenly appeared wearing just a cape and mask and yelled "Hey-Superpussy!"...coz,like a prat,[i was watching MOTD,so not thinking] I said "I'll just have the soup,please"... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grunthorpe Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Somebody stop him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 Ten year old boy says to dad "we had our first lesson in sex education today.""How did you get on, son?""Alright, but I ain't half got a sore arse." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 Three blokes in the pub discussing their sex lives when out of the window they see two dogs going at it in the middle of the road. Sniggering, one of them says let's all see how quickly we can each get our wives to do it like that tonight - and compare notes tomorrow night.Next night the first bloke says it only took me 10 minutes, the second one says it took him 20 minutes.Third bloke looks at both of them incredulously and says f**king hell it took me 3 hours to get her in the road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Six30 Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 Three blokes in the pub discussing their sex lives when out of the window they see two dogs going at it in the middle of the road. Sniggering, one of them says let's all see how quickly we can each get our wives to do it like that tonight - and compare notes tomorrow night.Next night the first bloke says it only took me 10 minutes, the second one says it took him 20 minutes.Third bloke looks at both of them incredulously and says f**king hell it took me 3 hours to get her in the road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Stranger walks into a pub where the local know-all is holding forth. Know-all claims he has experienced everything there is to experience.Stranger offers him a £10 bet, know all bites.Stranger says I bet you haven't experienced labour pains - know-all has to cough up.Know-all goes to the doctor and asks him to fix the problem.Doctor gives him a shot and puts him out for an hour.When know-all wakes up the doc gives him 2 kg of ex-lax chocolate to eat, followed by a pint of senna liquid.Know-all asks what has all this got to do with labour pains?Doc says you'll find out in an hour - I stitched your arse up when you were asleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Six30 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.She's 25, and her name is Kate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted March 26, 2016 Share Posted March 26, 2016 I was in bed with a blind lass last night [lucky moi,eh?]She murmured "ooh,Puggy-your cock is HUGE!"...I smiled [like y'would] and said "Aww,you're just pulling my leg"... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted March 26, 2016 Share Posted March 26, 2016 Y'know,I always feel a bit guilty about crushing my granny's tablets into her bed-time hot chocolate....but it has to be done-I'd never forgive myself if I got her pregnant... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted March 26, 2016 Share Posted March 26, 2016 So,it's official. Poundstretchers and M & S are to join forces in the High St....apparently,their new joint venture is to be named 'StretchMarks'... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 27, 2016 Share Posted March 27, 2016 What's the difference between three cocks and a joke? Your mum can't take a joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted March 29, 2016 Share Posted March 29, 2016 I went into my dentist's office and said "Please help me-I keep thinking I'm a moth!"He smiled gently and said "Pug,you need a therapist,not a dentist".I replied "I know-but your light was on!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tango Posted April 5, 2016 Share Posted April 5, 2016 I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares..........I now need a poo, but it could spell trouble! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davefly76 Posted April 5, 2016 Share Posted April 5, 2016 I went to the doctor complaining of hearing loss and he asked me to explain the symptoms.I told him Homer was the fat, bald guy and Marge has blue hair.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 Y'know,I used to sit staring at arcade machines,wondering how they work.....then the penny dropped.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 I had to ring the police last night."Police-please state your emergency"Hello? There's two women here and they're fighting over who get to take me home"."Ok sir-but why's that an emergency?""The minger's winning!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 WHADDA WE WANT?RACING CAR NOISES!WHEN DO WE WANT'EM?NEEEEOOOWWWWWWW! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fozzie Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 "I've been a bad girl... I need to be punished" she said...So I installed Windows 10 on her pc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Six30 Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 Why do VW make a convertable Beetle ?So the driver can hear people calling him a c**^t Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mpl Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 Why don't ants get ill?Because they have little anty bodies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 "Luke-update the force..."[Adobe wan Kenobi] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RantMachine Posted May 1, 2016 Share Posted May 1, 2016 Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and Hillary Clinton are in a plane crash. Who survives?America. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stu Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. A doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished. I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RantMachine Posted May 27, 2016 Share Posted May 27, 2016 Why did the hipster burn himself on his pizza?He ate it before it was cool. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oasis Posted May 27, 2016 Share Posted May 27, 2016 I've deleted all the German contacts on my phone. It is now Hans Free.....Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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