Your worst joke!!!

Place your funny or entertaining, stories, videos, jokes and pictures here.
Message
Author
User avatar
Lateralus
Posts: 1399
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2016 4:53 pm
Gender: Male
Bike(s): 2014 Tiger Sport in bestest red
Location: Nottingham
Challenge score: 300
Has Liked: 741 times
Been Liked: 621 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#676 Post by Lateralus » Thu Jul 06, 2017 8:22 pm

Image
Mawsley wrote:
Sun Jul 23, 2017 8:47 pm
red is a great colour.
Hoggs wrote:
Sun Jul 23, 2017 9:07 pm
I may have to begrudgingly agree.

User avatar
Mawsley
Posts: 3240
Joined: Mon Jul 18, 2011 9:10 am
Gender: Male
Bike(s): XT600E, CBF125, XJ900S
Location: Northants
Challenge score: 310
Has Liked: 875 times
Been Liked: 1492 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#677 Post by Mawsley » Thu Jul 06, 2017 10:31 pm

Image

User avatar
Stu
Site Admin
Posts: 30184
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:03 pm
Gender: Male
Bike(s): FJR1300
Location: hull
Challenge score: 40
Has Liked: 1407 times
Been Liked: 1099 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#678 Post by Stu » Fri Jul 07, 2017 9:08 am

A Day in the Diary of a BMW Driver

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the Police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "
Don't steal!.... the government hates competition!!!

User avatar
Jacobyte
Posts: 68
Joined: Sat Nov 05, 2016 10:25 pm
Gender: Male
Bike(s): Tracer 900
Location: West Lothian
Has Liked: 5 times
Been Liked: 29 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#679 Post by Jacobyte » Fri Jul 07, 2017 9:30 am

My wife's got a new job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

User avatar
Baldrick
Posts: 119
Joined: Sun Mar 12, 2017 11:23 pm
Gender: Male
Bike(s): Z1000SX
Location: Mancheter
Has Liked: 21 times
Been Liked: 84 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#680 Post by Baldrick » Fri Jul 07, 2017 5:26 pm

I got locked out by the Chairwoman of the local Euphemism society last night.


So I smashed her back doors in.

User avatar
geofferz
Posts: 237
Joined: Mon Apr 20, 2015 8:24 am
Gender: Male
Bike(s): Yamaha mt125
Location: Shoreham, UK
Has Liked: 5 times
Been Liked: 28 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#681 Post by geofferz » Fri Jul 07, 2017 10:59 pm

Baldrick wrote:I got locked out by the Chairwoman of the local Euphemism society last night.


So I smashed her back doors in.
That's excellent.

User avatar
geofferz
Posts: 237
Joined: Mon Apr 20, 2015 8:24 am
Gender: Male
Bike(s): Yamaha mt125
Location: Shoreham, UK
Has Liked: 5 times
Been Liked: 28 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#682 Post by geofferz » Fri Jul 07, 2017 11:02 pm

Baldrick wrote:I got locked out by the Chairwoman of the local Euphemism society last night.


So I smashed her back doors in.
Probably been posted already but...

"A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives her one."

User avatar
old-timer
Posts: 208
Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 2:17 pm
Gender: Male
Bike(s): BMW F650 GS - Dakar
Location: 's-Hertogenbosch (The Netherlands)
Has Liked: 94 times
Been Liked: 199 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#683 Post by old-timer » Sat Jul 08, 2017 6:36 pm

In WW-II, a Polish volunteer Hurricane pilot tells in a pub how he shot down 3 German planes.
"So... I see a formation of 6 of them fokkers ahead.
They never notice me, so I climb into the sun and attack the rear one and shot the fokker down.
The others do not know what is going on until they see him go down in flames, but by then I'm hanging on the tail of number 2 and I shot that fokker down too.
Number 3 turns to attack me, but lost hight in turning so I go above him and then shot the third fokker down as well...
The other fokkers fled when they realise they cannot stand up to me".
The men in the pub were laughing at the Polish pilot and one of them said:
"And you think we believe that story ? C'mon on... the Huns don't fly Fokkers anymore, that was in the great war of '14-'18..., you liar".
"You call me liar ? I tell you there were 6 of them German fokkers and they all fly Messersmitt 109s".
One life, one love, one cylinder...

BMW F650 GS Dakar

mpl
Posts: 193
Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2014 3:48 pm
Gender: Male
Bike(s): 2015 F800GT
Location: Cambridge
Been Liked: 8 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#684 Post by mpl » Sat Jul 08, 2017 11:03 pm

The UK Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A641 between Brighouse and Huddersfield recently. There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
The Highways agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry."
TMBF Challenge 2016

Pubs 10/10
East England 6/10
Midlands 2/10

User avatar
Joeman
Posts: 10042
Joined: Mon May 28, 2012 2:25 pm
Gender: Male
Bike(s): BMW S1000RR, KTM300.. etc
Location: Sevenoaks, UK
Has Liked: 464 times
Been Liked: 670 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#685 Post by Joeman » Sun Jul 09, 2017 6:19 am

IMG_20170708_225820.jpg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Image

User avatar
Mawsley
Posts: 3240
Joined: Mon Jul 18, 2011 9:10 am
Gender: Male
Bike(s): XT600E, CBF125, XJ900S
Location: Northants
Challenge score: 310
Has Liked: 875 times
Been Liked: 1492 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#686 Post by Mawsley » Sun Jul 09, 2017 9:30 am

IMG_3680.JPG
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.

User avatar
Bhawk
Posts: 206
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2016 5:09 am
Gender: Male
Bike(s): yamaha yzf600r thundercat
Location: County Durham
Has Liked: 74 times
Been Liked: 61 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#687 Post by Bhawk » Mon Jul 10, 2017 6:46 pm

THREE LITTLE DUCKS WALK INTO A BAR...........
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
The little duck fluttered her eyelids and said "No, my name is Puddles.

User avatar
Stu
Site Admin
Posts: 30184
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:03 pm
Gender: Male
Bike(s): FJR1300
Location: hull
Challenge score: 40
Has Liked: 1407 times
Been Liked: 1099 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#688 Post by Stu » Thu Jul 13, 2017 7:45 pm

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
Don't steal!.... the government hates competition!!!

User avatar
Stu
Site Admin
Posts: 30184
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:03 pm
Gender: Male
Bike(s): FJR1300
Location: hull
Challenge score: 40
Has Liked: 1407 times
Been Liked: 1099 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#689 Post by Stu » Tue Jul 18, 2017 9:32 am

My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Don't steal!.... the government hates competition!!!

User avatar
Six30
BANNED
Posts: 3718
Joined: Tue Jul 15, 2014 10:48 am
Gender: Male
Bike(s): Kawasaki Z1000 SX
Location: In Rennies wardrobe
Has Liked: 586 times
Been Liked: 972 times

Re: Your worst joke!!!

#690 Post by Six30 » Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:22 pm

........
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
"People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany."

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: CommonCrawl [Bot] and 0 guests