Your worst joke!!!

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Andy Mc
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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#706 Post by Andy Mc » Mon Aug 21, 2017 7:55 pm

Two cows standing in a field, looking at each other for ages, unsure what to say. Then out of the blue one cow just says 'MOO' ...other cow looks at him and says 'bast*rd....I was going to say that!'

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#707 Post by Mawsley » Tue Aug 22, 2017 11:07 am

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#708 Post by Mawsley » Mon Aug 28, 2017 11:42 am

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#709 Post by Mawsley » Wed Aug 30, 2017 1:20 pm

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#710 Post by Baldrick » Wed Aug 30, 2017 7:27 pm

I grew up in a really rough area.
When I was a kid people used to cover me in Chocolate and cream and put a Cherry on top of my head.
Life was tough growing up in the Gateaux

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#711 Post by Six30 » Wed Aug 30, 2017 9:31 pm

Baldrick wrote:
Wed Aug 30, 2017 7:27 pm
I grew up in a really rough area.
When I was a kid people used to cover me in Chocolate and cream and put a Cherry on top of my head.
Life was tough growing up in the Gateaux

That reminds when when I was a nipper , patiently standing at the ice cream van looking up at the counter waiting for the ice cream man to ask me what i would like, after 5 minutes I grabbed the counter pulled my self up and peered in to the ice cream van .... it still haunts me to this day , I saw the lifeless body of the ice cream man laying on the floor covered in strawberry juice and Hundreds and thousands ................ He'd topped himself

I'll get me coat :(
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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#712 Post by oldgrump » Thu Aug 31, 2017 1:18 pm

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.


Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some as*hole.


I changed my password to "incorrect" . So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is Incorrect".

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#713 Post by Six30 » Fri Sep 01, 2017 10:22 pm

....
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"People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany."

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#714 Post by goat » Sat Sep 02, 2017 7:44 am

I just sold my homing pigeon
That's the 34th time.

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#715 Post by Mawsley » Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:11 pm

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#716 Post by Mawsley » Fri Sep 08, 2017 8:51 pm

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#717 Post by Six30 » Tue Sep 12, 2017 8:47 pm

A sultry, over the shoulder stare followed by a slow, seductive lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world....
Not during a rectal exam though according to my doctor.
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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#718 Post by Grumpy Old Git » Thu Sep 14, 2017 11:38 am

Grandad's in a home now. Amazing isn't it? 83 years old and he's still a burglar.

I hate the way Hollywood changes everything, for instance the film "Twister" is nothing like the game.

Oceanography is all about current events.

In the ongoing trial of the manufacturers of a faulty teleportation device, a man has appeared in court.

I haven't seen a cowboy film for a while. It's all quiet on the western front.

Just played an amazing new video game where you make music by coughing, it's called "Catarrh Hero".

My wife suggested that we decorate and laminate the cards in our Monopoly game. I said no because I don't fancy my Chances.

I was going to buy a book on phobias ..... but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it...

Wife of a mate of mine told him that one of her sexual fantasies was to be hand-cuffed.
Next time they went on holiday he planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase...

I was about to buy the wife a Spa Day for her birthday, but the bloke in B&Q said it was pronounced "Spade"

The History Channel +1.
Where History repeats itself.

Today is international Litarasy Day.

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.

Accidents involving Ice-Cream vans are extremely rare but when they do happen they frequently result in the tragic loss of hundreds and thousands.

No more time wasting for me! I've just bought myself a book on time management. Well, I say that, it's actually a Doctor Who annual.

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If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife ?
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Roman numerals. What are they good IV ?

I bought a new thesaurus today.
It's nothing to write house about.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Schrödinger: Nice, nice.

A man was arrested for stealing helium balloons. Police held him for a while then let him go.

My collection of silent movie star cushions is going really well but I shall not rest on my laurels until it is completed.

"Have I made myself clear?"
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The duck billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk. It is unusual in that it is the only animal that can make it's own custard.

My wife accused me of only buying cheap and unusual cuts of pork.
The cheek.

I saw a sign in a shop- "Mosquito nets £10"
I didn't even know insects could play the lottery.

I was out for a few beers last night and decided to do something that I have never done before.
I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I have never driven a bus before !!

I only go for a pee every seventh day
Doctors say I've got a week bladder

I don't speak French, but they've got a certain I don't know what.......

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.
But I've turned myself around & that’s what it’s all about.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a woman a fish and all you get is "You call that an anniversary present ?"

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#719 Post by goat » Thu Sep 14, 2017 11:44 am

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The holocaust.

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#720 Post by goat » Thu Sep 14, 2017 11:48 am

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dave
Dave who?
Dave breaks into tears as he realises his fathers Alzheimer's have got so bad he no longer recognises Dave.

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