Your worst joke!!!

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BabyD
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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1081 Post by BabyD » Fri Jan 04, 2019 12:36 am

IF IT"S YELLOW LET IT MELLOW

IF IT"S BROWN FLUSH IT DOWN

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1082 Post by Magpie84 » Sun Jan 06, 2019 7:29 pm

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.

Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"

She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a Motorcycle?”

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1083 Post by Baldrick » Mon Jan 07, 2019 6:37 pm

Started a new job as a Masseur today, got fired after the 1st customer.
The "How to be a good masseur" instruction manual should be more specific.
Apparently the instruction to "Finish on the face" doesn't mean what I thought it did.

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1084 Post by Six30 » Mon Jan 07, 2019 7:11 pm

...
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"People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany."

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1085 Post by Six30 » Tue Jan 08, 2019 1:05 pm

....
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"People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany."

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1086 Post by Joeman » Tue Jan 08, 2019 5:49 pm

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1087 Post by Topper » Tue Jan 08, 2019 6:40 pm

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?


Philip Philop .............. :D :D :D :D :D

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1088 Post by Six30 » Wed Jan 09, 2019 9:11 pm

Justice has been served!
There's been some scumbag called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on while helping himself to whatever he wanted!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone.
"People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany."

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1089 Post by Tiggie » Wed Jan 09, 2019 9:21 pm

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered.
I'm an idiot who puts up Christmas lights in November

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1090 Post by SometimesSansEngine » Thu Jan 10, 2019 9:08 pm

Starting your own garden is easy, but picking all of the vegetables?

That’s the harvest part.

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1091 Post by Bender » Fri Jan 11, 2019 5:21 pm

Looking for some info I came across this delightfully named book

Anyone want to come for tea
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Bite my shiny, metal ass!

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1092 Post by Six30 » Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:19 am

Same sex male partners to be able to give birth in a revolutionary medical breakthrough
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"People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany."

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1093 Post by Tango » Sat Jan 12, 2019 12:38 pm

A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.
I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.
Harry, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Bloody autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife"
I feel the need....the need for Speed......Triple

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1094 Post by Tango » Sat Jan 12, 2019 12:39 pm

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I feel the need....the need for Speed......Triple

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1095 Post by runningman » Sat Jan 12, 2019 1:53 pm

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