Your worst joke!!!

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Stu
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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1006 Post by Stu » Sat Oct 20, 2018 6:01 pm

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Don't steal!.... the government hates competition!!!

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1007 Post by Tango » Fri Oct 26, 2018 8:53 am

My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just photos of me!
I feel the need....the need for Speed......Triple

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1008 Post by Stu » Fri Oct 26, 2018 10:55 pm

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Don't steal!.... the government hates competition!!!

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1009 Post by Six30 » Sat Oct 27, 2018 3:08 pm

..
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"People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany."

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1010 Post by SometimesSansEngine » Sat Oct 27, 2018 3:51 pm

It's missing shoes and socks.

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1011 Post by Stu » Wed Oct 31, 2018 8:36 pm

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Don't steal!.... the government hates competition!!!

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1012 Post by Tiggie » Wed Oct 31, 2018 9:55 pm

I woke up last night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed............

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
I'm an idiot who puts up Christmas lights in November

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1013 Post by dern » Thu Nov 01, 2018 10:27 am

There's only one thing I hate about Halloween, which is...

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1014 Post by mikestrivens » Thu Nov 01, 2018 10:49 am

Kids extortion
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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1015 Post by Six30 » Fri Nov 02, 2018 12:48 pm

...
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"People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany."

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1016 Post by Tiggie » Sun Nov 04, 2018 3:36 pm

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it must have been those thieving b@st@rds at the Post Office.
I'm an idiot who puts up Christmas lights in November

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1017 Post by Six30 » Sun Nov 04, 2018 4:56 pm

...
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"People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany."

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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1018 Post by onesea » Mon Nov 05, 2018 7:57 pm

Following on from my thread about getting a dog, we now follow a pointer group with some interest...

A Doberman, a Poodle, and an English Pointer died and are standing in front of God at the entrance to the kingdom of heaven.
God asks them all three, what they believe in?

The Doberman says: "I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my owner."

"Good," says God, "take a seat on my right side."

"Poodle, what do you believe in?" Asked God.

The Poodle answers: "I believe in love and care for my owner as well as peace in the world."

"Ah," God said, "You can take a seat to my left side."

Then he looked at the English Pointer "And what do you believe in?"

The English Pointer stood there, looked at him and answered :

"I believe you're sitting in my seat!"
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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1019 Post by onesea » Mon Nov 05, 2018 8:04 pm

Teacher:
You have 10 cakes and some one asks for 2 how many do you have left?

Child:
10 Cakes

Teacher:
You have 10 cakes and someone forcibly takes 2 how many cakes do you have left then?

Child:
10 cakes and a dead body
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Re: Your worst joke!!!

#1020 Post by Fozzie » Tue Nov 06, 2018 10:42 am

Not sure if this has been done but here we go:

A light passenger plane is flying through heavy fog and cloud bound for Scotland, the pilot can't see where he's going and his GPS is very intermittent due to the conditions.

A passenger stands up and says "I can tell you where we are just by putting my hand out of the plane"

In disbelief the pilot agrees. The man opens the door and hangs his hand outside.

"We're over Belgium, my hand has a faint smell of chocolate unique this part of the world ".

The pilot can't believe this but his GPS works for a brief moment, and it showed they were over Belgium.

And hour later he did it again.

"We're over London, the air feels dirty here, definitely our polluted capital"

Sure enough, the GPS flickered into life and showed London. "We're nearly home!" the pilot said.

And one more hour later the man did his trick again.

This time he paused before saying "Liverpool..."

The pilot, bemused asked "How can you be so sure it's Liverpool, does it have a different smell from London?"

The man looking disgruntled replied. "It doesn't, but that time I stuck my hand out, someone stole my watch."
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