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Chinnor


Mawsley
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We went away to MAG's Chinnor Bike Dayz. This [part one of a three-part collector series] is exactly how it happened, without any poetic licence or exaggeration:


"It's going to be a hot day, I'd like to get down there in the morning so we can get a spot in the shade," I said to my always-attentive wife. Mumbling something in agreement, she proceeded to demonstrate her understanding by walking out of the house. Three hours later I got a text to say there was a shopping emergency and, as some kind of purse paramedic, she was having to attend to make sure the items were bagged safely. This happens frequently enough that I no longer break things in a fit of rage. That, and all the breakable things have long since been broken.


http://i.imgur.com/86aanV3.jpg


Fine, I'll pack the bikes so at least that way we're ready for whenever she deigns to return. The bungee straps decided to play up, it was too hot for them and they wanted to stay in the cool of the garage. I won out in the titanic battle of wills; I may have lost two fingernails, some flesh from the left side of my face and the use of one eye, but they now fixed everything we'd never need to the bike.


http://i.imgur.com/Xahxnit.jpg


Another text arrived.


She would be home almost absolutely immediately. She just needed to pop into her sister's, grab something to drink in Costa, and try on a potential winter wardrobe. Finally, she returned and, having stressed to the kids the importance of looking after the dogs and not having a party, we left (mentally saying 'goodbye forever' to the dogs and the house).


Our epic journey lasted for just over an hour till the woman demanded sustenance. She believed she was entitled to a reward for not having crashed or died. Although holding a full licence, she's not ridden for eighteen years. Her last and only motorcycle accident was nineteen and a half years ago - when she thought it'd be quicker to stop at a T-junction by running into the back of me. I gave her a comprehensive set of instructions on how to operate the brakes before we left home, and here at McRubbish.


http://i.imgur.com/0czCBLX.jpg


You can see she was delighted to have such a helpful and knowledgeable person to instruct her.


The petrol tank sat nav operated perfectly, taking us down the A5, through Wing, near Leighton Buzzard, past Stoke Mandeville and to the site at Princes Risborough. The number of times I wished for a touch screen, the ability to download route plans or stream music was none. It should be noted that the tape used was of an insulating variety, thus minimising any drain on the bike's battery.


Tent up, stuff dumped, we headed off to Tesco. In my experience, women like shops - there's something primordial going on. Their little brains become all flushed with excitement at the prospect and this is what prevents them from being able to operate brakes properly (despite expert instruction). So, thinking of trolleys and baskets, she failed to follow instructions and came to a halt by planting her front wheel into my right pannier, sending it skidding across the field. Everybody there made me feel better by laughing, they said that laughter is the best medicine. They are wrong, the best medicine (if you'd asked me, which no one did) would have been knives and morphine.


Her she is contemplating the error of her ways. She assured me that this was her contrite face.


http://i.imgur.com/zwJdn0q.jpg


I was left so upset, so bereft, that I could barely make it into my own selfie.


http://i.imgur.com/lXlZQ6e.jpg

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Idiots asked us: "Why on earth are you going to spend the weekend in a field?" They are stupid and obviously don't understand the fundamental part getting drunk in the open air has played in the development of the British psyche. Identity is forged in the face of adversity, bonds of understanding grow from collective suffering. We left as better people - having put up with cover bands, tone deaf singers, portaloos, and stale chips & microfish for £6.


http://i.imgur.com/A7nACyX.jpg


But there was much to raise our spirits. Men in brand new matching cuts, with brand new clean patches, comedians selling ethnic tat for the equivalent of a house deposit, and (apparently) multiple references to the bike collision on Friday. I tried to laugh along, but inside I was crying as bits of me died.


It all got better as I broke the toys out.This was our first camping weekend of the year and I'd been stocking up on things since 2016. Two types of stove delivered up the single best bacon sandwich and coffee ever experience by anybody. The wife agreed to say that they were phenomenal, and promised not to moan that I had bought them, if I dropped the subject that the handlebars on the 125 pointed in a different direction to the tyre.


http://i.imgur.com/23vTCuh.jpg


What eventually got her to forget that the Fast Boil cost £50 was my invention of the XJ900S Fridge. Three bags of ice into a pannier, placed in the shade, kept tins of lemonade and lager icy cold for almost 36 hours. Bearing in mind that the sun was turning fat men and drunk women into crispy red centres of pain, this was no mean feat and garnished the respect of my peers - so much so that they would now go at least an hour without laughing at the clash of bikes.


But, yeh, bike fridge was awesome. I think I may go on Dragon's Den.


http://i.imgur.com/euIJPWw.jpg


What is camping without a tent? I binned the last one (£20 from Halfords) for being the sum of all shits. I bought this MSR Elixir 3 because the adverts said 'it is brilliant as flip'. Some man in a video pointed at the inside of one to illustrate that (although for three people) you could easily sleep three refugee families and seven aid workers inside.


The MSR packs up very small and is super lightweight - but they fibbed about the capacity. Two of us were snug. So much so that if you moved about you could easily deliver elbow blows to the other. I'd now totally forgiven her for crashing into me so I tried really hard not to do that.


I let her lilo down instead.


http://i.imgur.com/oJBE1hA.jpg


But all good things come to an end, and the wife now faced the prospect of not having to be in close proximity to me. Wistfully, she stared into the sky and remembered all the fun we'd shared, how much I confessed the tent cost when I was drunk, and the joy that riding together brings. You could see, etched on her little face, how she'd thrilled to be stuck in a little tent with my unshowered form.


If she hasn't contacted divorce lawyers today, we're off to the 4Fs in two weeks.


http://i.imgur.com/QxbHkDG.jpg

Edited by Mawsley
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This thread wouldn't have been possible without...


http://i.imgur.com/9jDQSUA.jpg


MSR Elixir 3 tent and Gear Shed

£far too much

As I've said, this is light and small when packed up. I bought the shed to stick on the front when we go together, plenty of room for all our stuff. Inside the main bit is ample for two, and Sue has a stupidly big lilo. The thing is utter quality and a breeze to put up. Plus, for my trips to hotter climes, there are a variety of ways of pitching so that you can stay cool or watch the stars in the desert. All told, bloody hopeless if you're going somewhere where drunk people will fall on it ( I used the bikes as a protective shield - brilliant if planning a foreign adventure.


http://i.imgur.com/qaVaJxz.png


Vango Adventure DLX 7.5mm self-inflating mat

£50odd

It is comfy, stays inflated and it is comfy. As the most important thing is comfort that is a good thing. I absolutely hate lilos - they ALWAYS have slow or fast punctures. I've killed the last three with a knife in fits of pique. Self-inflating really works well, I leave the valve open during the daytime and close it when sleeping. Or, adding a couple of puffs gets it to full inflation after half an hour of doing its thing. The only downside is that, when rolled, it's the size of a large family dog. Then again, it's light which is good for adventures. I have a tiny foam roll I place underneath just to help give protection.


http://i.imgur.com/ONKHW6Q.jpg


http://i.imgur.com/4lmVdtd.png


ROK straps and cheapy red Amazon specials

http://www.rokstraps.com/moto.html

Amazon red bungee

I fix stuff with bungees and straps, it's the way I like to roll. ROK straps are pricey but awesome, I use a velcro strap to keep it all neat when not in use. They hold the Vango mat, the red straps then hold anything else. FWIW, the red ones are the most flexible bungees I've used as they're adjustable and have four strands.


http://i.imgur.com/JPNALsj.png


Vango compact gas stove

£16ish

Super tiny, super light, and comes in a little plastic box to stop it doing damage to anything else. Some people like using liquid fuel stoves, I don't - this for me is perfect...except...


http://i.imgur.com/TSzHyJK.png


Highlander fast boil stove

£50-odd

Pretty sure Amazon and eBay are the only places for this, it's identical to the Jet Boil but cheaper - I can't see any differences bar the logo. Fancy a cuppa? Boils a pint of water unbelievably fast. Fancy soup? Same thing. Fancy melting a hole in the aluminium? Just leave it empty! There's a fin arrangement to maximise heat transmission and reduce energy loss. Everything packs down inside itself, so while it isn't tiny it is very light and robust. I love this thing. Serious love. Probably because it's never crashed into me twice.


Other stuff I never go camping without :

Hand sanitiser and wet wipes

Toilet roll

Leatherman Signal LT700

Gerber lock knife

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