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Paddy if your late again your fired


Next day Paddy only gets in at 11am and says please Boss dont fire me the wife had a trolley this morning

What you talking about Paddy shouts the gaffer ..err I mean the wife had a scooter

Enough says the boss your sacked

Paddy rings his wife and says what was it you had this morning ?

A bloody miscarriage Paddy says the missus


Feck it I knew it was something with wheels replies Paddy

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Why is it, when girls wear skimpy, revealing bikinis on holiday, they don't mind you staring at them? Yet if you catch them wearing only their bra and knickers, they scream and shout and cover themselves up with a towel?


Sort it out Ladies. I didn't climb up this f*cking ladder for the good of my health you know.

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Mrs was in her under kakas sprawled on the settee watching Coronation street when there was a knock at the door... the lazy fat fook looked at me to go answer it .... it was the local peeping Tom and he asked me to pull the curtains :shock:

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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."


The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"


"Yes, Father, it is."


"And who was the girl you were with?"


"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."


"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"


"I cannot say."


"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"


"I'll never tell."


"Was it Nina Capelli?"


"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."


"Was it Cathy Piriano?"


"My lips are sealed."


"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"


"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."


The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."


Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"


"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

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Guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila


He seems normal enough and the bartender pours the shots


Guy proceeds to pound the shots


"Eh what's the occasion?" Asks the bartender "first blowjob" answers the guy


"Hey congratulations! How about the 11th on the house?" Offers the bartender


"If the first 10 didn't kill the taste I don't think the 11th would help much"

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Guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He asks the barman if they serve lawyers, to which the barman says yes we do. The guy says ok I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for the crocodile.

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While riding my bike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"


As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"


"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."


We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."


"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"


"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."

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Two guys go hunting in the woods. They've been out there for a few hours and are hours from their truck, when one of them suddenly goes pale and collapses in a heap. The other guy freaks out and dials 911;


Hunter: I need help, I'm out it the woods with a buddy and he's collapsed - I think he might be dead!


Operator: Don't worry, we're here to get you through this. First I need you to make sure he's actually dead.


The line goes silent for a bit then the operator hears a loud BANG.


Hunter: Ok, what next?

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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.


All his professionallism goes right out the window…


He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.


“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?


“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.


He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off.


The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”


Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her.


He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”


She replies, “Yes, getting herpies – thats why I am here!”

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My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spa's, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.


It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

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