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Talking of Christmas cracker jokes..,,


What’s the difference between splitting up with your fiancé and getting rid of your piles ?



When you get rid of your plies you get your ring back .

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I'll be amazed if this hasn't been shared before, but it appeared on my Facebook Memories today so I just had to share it here


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Well, that is remarkable indeed !

I have seen them drive and I have seen them f...

But never at the same time... :shock:

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THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK


AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.


After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn' have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.

The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn'nt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn'nt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasent the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.

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May not fit the exacting criteria for this thread, but I'm laughing so hard at it I had to post it somewhere


https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2362718510439805&id=922716137773390

 

"I have got a disability and any stress, I just break down crying."


This has got to be a spoof post... Please someone tell me it's a spoof... My faith in humanity is dangling by a thread.

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  • 2 weeks later...

We ordered a Chinese takeaway tonight and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!! I thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag trying to eat my supper?.... I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me.. I was driving so I leaned forward ,picked up the bag , put it on the passenger seat and there it was again ,more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or mouse or something so I carefully pulled the carrier bag down... And there it was ...


A Peeking Duck

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I wouldn't normally post another straight away but I saw this and have amended it slightly for a certain Admin :lol:


[mention]Stu[/mention] gets a job as a Bus Driver and on his first morning he’s just sat at the Depot waiting.

The Bus Inspector came over to see and asked what the problem was.

Stu said, "l'm waiting for the Ticket Conductor."

The Bus Inspector informed him that all the Buses were now One Man Buses.

So Stu drives off in the Double Decker Bus.

Twenty minutes later there is a call to the depot "one of your buses has been involved in a traffic accident."

The Bus Inspector goes down to the Crash and there is Stu and the Wrecked Bus.

For gods sake Stu, "How did this happen?" Asked the Bus Inspector.

Stu shrugged his shoulders, and said.....

"F*cked if I know. l was Upstairs collecting Fares at the time."

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I've just broken the British world record for holding my breath underwater..... 8 minutes 42 seconds.

It all started when a little girl in the swimming pool shouted " that's him over there Daddy "

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