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Your worst joke!!!


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  • 2 weeks later...

I was product testing the new Apple gesture control system.

It was going well until I wanted to browse some porn, I gave it the W*nkers hand signal & this popped up.

868011D5-E3AB-4AAB-BCA6-4F5847559B16.thumb.jpeg.e8635919520fdaa4a1b823386e944121.jpeg

 

Apparently it’s not a bug !!

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  • 2 weeks later...

[Heard on the radio today]..Man walks into a hardware store and asks for some nails. Assistant asks him how long does he want them. Man says; well I was hoping to keep them.


How daft..love it.

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Witnessed totally disgusting behaviour on the beach in Boscombe: man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids, then she smacked him one on the head and it all kicked off between them, the police turned up and the policeman ended up using his truncheon on the bloke but the man actually managed to get the truncheon off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it! Absolute Madness...


Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages ...

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Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?

Husband:

I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall?

Sergeant:

Weight?

Husband:

Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:

Color of eyes?

Husband:

Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:

Color of hair?

Husband:

Changes a couple times a year.

Maybe dark brown now.

I can’t remember.

Sergeant:

What was she wearing?

Husband:

Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:

What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:

She actually went on my bike...

Sergeant:

What kind of bike was it?

Husband: (sobbing)

It's a new 2019 Kawasaki KX450 in lime green with a Liquid-cooled, 4-stroke Single engine, 449 cm³ displacement, 96 x 62.1 mm Bore x stroke with Compression ratio of 12.5:1. DOHC 4 valve, Forced lubrication, semi‑dry sump. Front suspension; 49 mm inverted telescopic fork with adjustable compression and rebound damping. Rear; New Uni-Trak with adjustable dual-range (high/low speed). Front brakes are Single semi-floating 270 mm petal disc. Caliper: Dual-piston. Rear brakes are Single 250 mm petal disc. Caliper: Single-piston. 5-speed transmission, Primary Reduction Ratio of 2.727 (60/22). Wet multi-disc manual clutch. Perimeter, aluminum frame, 122 mm trail, 305mm front wheel travel, 307 for the rear. Front tyre: 80/100-21 51M and rear 120/80-19 63M. Steering angle, left / right 42° / 42° L x W x H 2,185 x 830 x 1,275 mm Wheelbase 1,485 mm Ground clearance 340 mm Fuel capacity 6.2 litres Seat height 955 mm Curb mass 110.0 kg... (continues to cry).


Sergeant:

Don't worry mate. We'll find your bike.

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I was comforting a midget prostitute who was telling me her sad life and I put my hand on the middle of her leg.


I'm ashamed to say I felt a little whore knee.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...


Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?


Husband:

I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall?


Sergeant:

Weight?


Husband:

Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.


Sergeant:

Color of eyes?


Husband:

Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.


Sergeant:

Color of hair?


Husband:

Changes a couple times a year.

Maybe dark brown now.

I can’t remember.


Sergeant:

What was she wearing?


Husband:

Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.


Sergeant:

What kind of car did she go in?


Husband:

She actually went on my dirt bike...


Sergeant:

What kind of bike was it?


Husband: (sobbing)

It's a new 2019 Kawasaki KX450 in lime green with a Liquid-cooled, 4-stroke Single engine, 449 cm³ displacement, 96 x 62.1 mm Bore x stroke with Compression ratio of 12.5:1. DOHC 4 valve, Forced lubrication, semi‑dry sump. Front suspension; 49 mm inverted telescopic fork with adjustable compression and rebound damping. Rear; New Uni-Trak with adjustable dual-range (high/lowspeed). Front brakes are Single semi-floating 270 mm petal disc. Caliper: Dual-piston. Rear brakes are Single 250 mm petal disc. Caliper: Single-piston. 5-speed transmission, Primary Reduction Ratio of 2.727 (60/22). Wet multi-disc manual clutch. Perimeter, aluminum frame, 122 mm trail, 305mm front wheel travel, 307 for the rear. Front tyre: 80/100-21 51M and rear 120/80-19 63M. Steering angle, left / right 42° / 42° L x W x H 2,185 x 830 x 1,275 mm Wheelbase 1,485 mm Ground clearance 340 mm Fuel capacity 6.2 litres Seat height 955 mm Curb mass 110.0 kg... (continues to cry).


Sergeant:

Don't worry mate. We'll find your bike.

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Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...


Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?


Husband:

I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall?


Sergeant:

Weight?


Husband:

Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.


Sergeant:

Color of eyes?


Husband:

Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.


Sergeant:

Color of hair?


Husband:

Changes a couple times a year.

Maybe dark brown now.

I can’t remember.


Sergeant:

What was she wearing?


Husband:

Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.


Sergeant:

What kind of car did she go in?


Husband:

She actually went on my dirt bike...


Sergeant:

What kind of bike was it?


Husband: (sobbing)

It's a new 2019 Kawasaki KX450 in lime green with a Liquid-cooled, 4-stroke Single engine, 449 cm³ displacement, 96 x 62.1 mm Bore x stroke with Compression ratio of 12.5:1. DOHC 4 valve, Forced lubrication, semi‑dry sump. Front suspension; 49 mm inverted telescopic fork with adjustable compression and rebound damping. Rear; New Uni-Trak with adjustable dual-range (high/lowspeed). Front brakes are Single semi-floating 270 mm petal disc. Caliper: Dual-piston. Rear brakes are Single 250 mm petal disc. Caliper: Single-piston. 5-speed transmission, Primary Reduction Ratio of 2.727 (60/22). Wet multi-disc manual clutch. Perimeter, aluminum frame, 122 mm trail, 305mm front wheel travel, 307 for the rear. Front tyre: 80/100-21 51M and rear 120/80-19 63M. Steering angle, left / right 42° / 42° L x W x H 2,185 x 830 x 1,275 mm Wheelbase 1,485 mm Ground clearance 340 mm Fuel capacity 6.2 litres Seat height 955 mm Curb mass 110.0 kg... (continues to cry).


Sergeant:

Don't worry mate. We'll find your bike.

 


It was half funny the 1st time posted . ..

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A man hires a hitman to bump off his wife, when he meets the hitman to pay him, the hitman says " it will only take one bullet just below the left nipple" the bloke cries out " No! i want her dead not flamin' kneecapping"

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