Bhawk Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 A man goes into the confession booth and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I'm 50, unmarried and having sex frequently with a 21 year old woman." The priest said, "It's good that you have come to me, but I haven't seen you at our mass. Tell me my son, how long have you been Catholic?" The man answered, "Oh, I'm not. I'm Jewish." Surprised, the priest asked, "Then why are you telling me?" The man said, "I told you I'm 50 and having sex with a 21 year old. I'M TELLING EVERYONE!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Six30 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take:Shovel, Blankets or sleeping bagExtra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves24 hours supply of food and drinkDe-Icer5Kgs of Rock SaltTorch or lantern with spare batteriesRoad Flares and Reflective TrianglesTow rope5 gallon petrol JerrycanFirst Aid KitJump LeadsI looked a proper tit on the bus this morning !!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MR_W Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Painkiller Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Knock knockWho's there?AdolfAdolf who?Adolf ball hid me in da mouth n dats y I talk dis way.Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RantMachine Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Painkiller/thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thomas J Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 A female weightlifter goes into the Doctors and says."I've been taking steroids for so long now, I've grown a cock."Anabolic"? says the doctor."No, just a cock" She replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Westbeef Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Yano when you've got a water infection...Urine trouble! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 I just invented 'STAR WARS' coffee!I call it 'R2Dcaff'! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 My dictionary has been really unwell lately......but it's feeling much better,now I've removed it's appendix! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I had a slash at 04.30 this morning...pity,coz I woke up at 05.00! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 I've just had my chest waxed...very much NOT a painless procedure!...my own fault - should'a gone to Pec Shavers.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 Some rotten scumbag stole my beloved thesaurus today....I just cannot find the words to describe how I feel... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I put a blank CD into my stereo today,then played it at FULL VOLUME for an hour!....the annoying mime artist who lives next door went totally nuts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stu Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Oh god! they are getting worse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puggybear Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 You think THAT'S bad Stu?I reckon it's quality,not quantity that really counts,mate......after all,Nigel Armstrong walked on the Moon just ONCE-but nobody'll ever forget his name! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joeman Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I put a blank CD into my stereo today,then played it at FULL VOLUME for an hour!....the annoying mime artist who lives next door went totally nuts! Off topic, but we used to record no sound for 2mins, then the noise of a baby screaming or some other annoying noise, take the CD into Dixons and put it into one of the CD players, crank it to full volume, walk away... 2mins later WAAAAAA Wahhhhaaaa... fun and games Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stu Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I put a blank CD into my stereo today,then played it at FULL VOLUME for an hour!....the annoying mime artist who lives next door went totally nuts! Off topic, but we used to record no sound for 2mins, then the noise of a baby screaming or some other annoying noise, take the CD into Dixons and put it into one of the CD players, crank it to full volume, walk away... 2mins later WAAAAAA Wahhhhaaaa... fun and games I like going in to those stores and pairing my phone up then crank the volume walk away then press play Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joeman Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I put a blank CD into my stereo today,then played it at FULL VOLUME for an hour!....the annoying mime artist who lives next door went totally nuts! Off topic, but we used to record no sound for 2mins, then the noise of a baby screaming or some other annoying noise, take the CD into Dixons and put it into one of the CD players, crank it to full volume, walk away... 2mins later WAAAAAA Wahhhhaaaa... fun and games I like going in to those stores and pairing my phone up then crank the volume walk away then press play the modern equivalent - like it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JRH Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 take the CD into Dixons Showing your age there Joeman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lateralus Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 http://i.imgur.com/riU2uZL.gifvCouldn't figure out how to upload or imbed the file, but feel free to enlighten me if there's a way! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old-timer Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 In the train this morning I overheard 4 English girls telling (word) jokes from their smartphones.(Hang on, that's not the joke...) .I remember these 3:What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo ?A hippo is very heavy and a zippo is a little lighter...Why did the old man fall into a well ?He did not see that well... And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life ...". But John came fifth and got a toaster... It was a very enjoyable ride. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baldrick Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 I took a girl with Rickets home last night.Cracking legs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old-timer Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Six30 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 I'm worried something may be wrong with my testicles... One seems bigger than the others . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old-timer Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 That's peculiar indeed!All four of mine have the same size... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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